By Royane Real

Do you tend to say “yes” to other people’s requests because you have a hard time saying “no”?   Do you often pushed into doing things you don’t really want to do because even when you do say the word “no”  you don’t stick to it? 

Are you always giving in to other people because you desperately want them to think you are a nice person?  Do you worry that you will lose your friends if you stick up for yourself?

Many people have a hard time saying the word "NO" to others because they are worried that others will stop liking them.  Their fear of being disliked or disapproved of is so powerful that it becomes a tyranny they can't break out of. 

Very often, women in particular have a hard time saying “No” to others.  One reason is that we are taught to believe that men should be strong and assertive, while women should always be kind and giving.  When women start to say “No” and when they stop giving too much of themselves, they may feel uneasy, because they are not accustomed to being assertive.

If you find that you are frequently in the position of being pushed into saying “Yes” when you really want to say “No”, there could be several reasons for this.

One reason could  be that your friends, family, acquaintances and co-workers have gotten used to the fact that you can always be counted on, or manipulated into saying “Yes” even when you don’t really want to.

The next time you say “Yes” to something when you really wanted to say “No”  ask yourself what is happening.  Do you actually want to do what you are being asked or not?  Do you give in only because you don’t know how to get out of the situation any other way?

One technique that has been recommended to help people become more assertive in standing up for their own needs is the technique called “broken record”.  Back in the days when music recordings were played on vinyl disks, sometimes a scratch in the record would make the same phrase play over and over again until someone got up and fixed it.

To use the “broken record technique” just keep repeating your refusal in a simple, kind way.  Don’t get into any details.  Tell yourself in your mind that you are a broken record and that you can keep repeating this phrase all day long, until the person who is asking you finally gives up.

You don’t need to over explain your reasons.  If you really don’t want to do something, sometimes it’s best to give no reasons at all.  Just say, “ I don’t want to do this at this time.”

You also need to give yourself permission to stick up for yourself, and not to depend entirely on what other people are thinking of you.

( The above article was written by Royane Real, author of “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends”  available at http://www.lulu.com/real  )

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