The Art of Communication
By Helene Rothschild
Introductory comments
By Royane Real
Author of “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends”
Many relationships and friendships come to an end for the simple reason that we don’t know how to communicate our emotional needs clearly to the other person involved.
When we get angry or hurt with another person, we often are so overwhelmed by our feelings that we start yelling or crying and we can’t express what we need the other person to hear. We may end up saying cruel things in a moment of anger that we can`t take back. Or we may simply withdraw from the friendship or relationship altogether, making no attempt to fix it.
I once read a sentence in an article about how to have successful relationships. This sentence was so wise, that it has stayed with me for many years. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever come across a better summary about how to have a successful relationship or a lasting friendship than what I read in this particular sentence.
Would you like to know what that sentence was that so brilliantly summarized what it takes to have a successful friendship or relationship? Here it is:
“To make a relationship successful takes a mixture of skill and will.”
That’s it in a nutshell. This is the ultimate guide you need to know to make any relationship or friendship successful. And the explanation for any relationship that fails can also be found in that particular sentence.
What that sentence really means is that when a relationship or a friendship is floundering, it can be saved if both people have the desire to save the relationship and make it better.
When a relationship starts to go bad, it can’t be saved if only one person is interested in saving it. The will or the desire to save the relationship must exist on both sides.
But the people involved need to have more than just a desire to preserve the relationship. They also need to have some knowledge of what they are currently doing wrong when they communicate with each other. And they need to know how to communicate better with each other, especially when they are upset.
When a relationship goes bad, it will be very hard to improve it and overcome the problems if one or both people involved in the relationship don’t have good communications skills. Good communications skills are required for friends and lovers to express their emotions and expectations clearly to each other.
To express your emotions and expectations clearly requires us to have an emotional willingness to listen with an open heart, and it requires us to have the courage to speak up for ourselves. Many of us mistakenly believe that when we get angry and yell at our partners, we are speaking up for ourselves. But this kind of yelling does not solve our problems, and it can drive our partner away.
Most of us need help in learning how to express ourselves more clearly and communicate effectively.
The following article by Helene Rothschild will give you many ideas and tips on how to express yourself more clearly to your friend or partner when you are feeling overwhelmed by your emotions during a disagreement. If you use her suggestions the next time you are having problems in a relationship, you will improve both your skill and your will to fix relationships.
( The introductory comments which appear above are written by Royane Real, author of “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends” To learn more ways to make more friends and better friends, download it from http://www.lulu.com/real )
Feature Article:
The Art of Communication
By Helene Rothschild
Are you tired of having upsets with the people in your life? Do you want to learn the art of communication so that you can experience successful relationships with your family, friends, and the people you work with?
To begin with, you may want to make the following agreement:
"I care about you, and I am committed to communicating with you in constructive ways. I realize that I am responsible for all my thoughts and feelings. I am willing to be present and to listen to you. My focus is on accepting both of our viewpoints, and creating win-win situations and solutions. It is such a joy to communicate with you, and to maintain the bridge between us so that we can be close. I like feeling close to you."
Now that you are clear about your goal, here are some guidelines that can help you keep your communication agreement.
1. Take the time to communicate with yourself; tune into your own thoughts and feelings to be clearly aware of what you want to share with others.
2. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings by beginning your sentences with “I."
3. Ask for what you want instead of telling people what you do not want. For example, “I would like you to calmly tell me what you want," is better than, “Don't yell at me!"
4. Understand that communication is sharing opinions and feelings. Avoid debating which is trying to prove right or wrong.
5. Make a statement first so people know what you are thinking. Then ask them for their opinion. For example, “I would like to go to the movie. Would you like to go?"
6. Avoid mind reading. If you are unclear about any communication, ask for specifics. For example, “How do you mean that? What do you mean?"
7. Watch for non-verbal messages-gestures, posture, tone of voice, etc., to fully understand what the person is saying.
8. Rather than giving advice, point out the different choices you see, and allow the other person to make their own decisions.
9. Really listen to what they are trying to tell you. (Avoid thinking about what you want to say next.) Then let them know that you have heard them by repeating what they have said in your own words.
10. To let the other person know that you are listening, use eye contact, or say, “Uh huh," or “I hear you."
11. If a person is not communicating with you, be aware if you are doing one or more of the following: not listening, judging, talking too much, interrupting, not being interested in the other person's communication, being impatient, criticizing, being sarcastic, overreacting, psychoanalyzing, labeling, or cursing.
12. In order to be heard, avoid starting your sentences with the following words because they often feel like attacks and provoke arguments:
"I know you. . ." (You only know about yourself.)
"I like you, but. . ." (The “but" discounts the first part of the sentence.)
"You feel. . ." (People do not like to be told how they are feeling.)
"Why are you feeling . . .?" (You are asking them to rationally justify their feelings. Emotions are real and valid even if they are irrational.)
"You always or never. . ." (These words are too absolute, and the listener will be focusing on the times they did or didn't so that they can defend themselves.)
"You make me. . ." (No one can make you feel a certain way. You are totally responsible for how you perceive and react to things.)
"Don't you think . . .?" (You are implying that they should think your way.)
"You should. . ." (These words are telling the other person that they are not okay if they do not do what you say-which often leads to rebellious behavior because they are not feeling that they have a choice.)
13. In order to be heard, begin your sentences with the following words:
"I imagine. . ." (Your imagination is not threatening to another.)
"I like you and. . ." (They are likely to be open to your comment.)
"I feel. . ." (People like to hear what you are feeling.)
"What (or How) are you feeling?" (These words ask for information and show that you care.)
"Sometimes or often. . ." (People can often handle non-absolutes.)
"I resent. . ." (Taking responsibility for your feelings helps the other person hear you.)
"What do you want?" (You are helping the other person tell you what they desire-shows that you care enough to ask.)
"I want (prefer, or would like). . ." (People like direct and clear messages.)
14. Be aware of your non-verbal messages and be congruent. That is, your body language and words need to be sending the same message.
For example, if you say, “What do you want?" with an annoyed tone of voice, you are sending the message that you really do not care about what they want.
15. If you are upset, do what you need to do in order to feel calm so that you can communicate constructively. For example, take a walk, nap, write down your feelings, or yell into a pillow.
16. Create win-win situations by brainstorming until both parties are satisfied with the solution. Then work out the specific details to carry out the mutually agreed upon decision.
These techniques can greatly enhance your relationships. Be forgiving and patient with yourself and others as you acquire the art of communication.
Copyright 2006 by Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, a Marriage, Family Therapist, intuitive counselor, author, and speaker. The article is excerpts from her newest book, “All You Need Is HART! Create Love, Joy and Abundance-Now!" A unique guide to Holistic And Rapid Transformation. She offers telephone sessions, classes, teleclasses books, e-books, MP3 audios, tapes, posters, cards and a free newsletter. http://www.lovetopeace.com, 1-888-639-6390.
Self-Improvement Article Source: http://www.eArticlesOnline.com
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