Author of “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends” 

Believe it or not, your self esteem has a lot to do with how successful you will be at making friends and having close relationships with other people. 

Why does our self esteem affect our relationships with our friends?  One reason is that you will only attract the kinds of friendships and romantic relationships that you truly believe you deserve.  If you think you aren’t very worthwhile as a person, you will find it hard to create good relationships with other people.

If we don’t like ourselves, we will find it impossible to truly like others.  Without the ability to truly like other people, close friendships cannot develop.

If you don’t really like yourself, you will find it hard to believe that anyone could truly like you, because you may be convinced that deep down you don’t have any value.  If other people do seem to like you, you may think to yourself, “They’ve made a mistake.  They only think they like me because they don’t really know me yet.  Once they know me better, they won’t really like me.”

Instead of having happy relationships with positive, stable people, if your self esteem is low, you may experience a series of painful relationships with people who abuse you or abandon you.

If your self esteem is very poor, you may feel more at home with people that you think are also inferior, like you believe you are.  You may feel most at home when you spend your time becoming friends with addicts and criminals. Or, you may have relationships primarily with people who always seem to need to be rescued from one calamity or another.

If you don’t have good self esteem and self respect, you may end up being abused by people who prey on vulnerable and lonely people.  You may find yourself trying too hard to get affection from people who are abusive to you and who are willing to take all your money and your love and give you little or nothing in return.  You may allow them to treat you terribly because deep down you don’t really believe that you deserve to be treated well.

When you don’t have good self-esteem, you may act very needy and seek endless reassurances from friends and acquaintances, wanting them to tell you that you are indeed okay.  Even the most supportive friends can end up exhausted after a few months of trying to prop you up emotionally.

What causes a person to have poor self esteem?  Quite often, the problem of low self esteem is rooted in a childhood where a person’s basic emotional needs for love and security were not met.  People who grew up with abuse or neglect often have difficulty establishing good relationships with others when they grow up.  They may end up in abusive relationships again and again, because this is all they know.  

If you are having a difficult time creating happy relationships because you have experienced emotional scarring from events in the past, you may find it very helpful to seek out a counselor who is experienced and effective in dealing with situations such as yours.

Although it takes work to turn a poor self-image around, the results in all aspects of your life will make it worth the effort.

This article was written by friendship expert Royane Real.

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