Royane Real

By  Laura Garrison 

Introductory comments by Royane Real

Author of  “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends”

I had kind of an unusual reaction while I was reading the following article by the author Laura Garrison on the topic of having toxic friendships.  In this article Laura asks, do you have toxic friends.  Then she lists some of the characteristics of toxic friendships:  people who leave you feeling drained, people that have lives of constant chaos, people who have low energy, people who are stuck in a passive state of indecision.

As I read this article I realized that I have actually been guilty ofsome though not all, of the behaviours that Laura Garrison describes as toxic.  But was I really a toxic person to have as a friend?  I can’t really answer that question, since I don’t know.  

There have been times in my life when I have had a life filled with chaos, a direct result of having a mind filled with chaos caused by a tumultuous upbringing and emotional problems that took a long time to resolve.  Sometimes I have often been too passive and confused to make a decision, yet I was unhappy with whatever was decided for me.  Eventually I clawed my way back to sanity and in the process I have learned a lot about living in a better way.

Yet, no matter how bad the shape I was in, I always had a lot of friends.  Those friendships were deeply important to me.  They made my life bearable.

Even when I was feeling most severely depressed and confused, I was still able to be funny and charming and loyal with my friends.  So, I don’t think my friends necessarily got a bad deal by spending time with me.  Fortunately, I was never guilty of the first sin that Laura Garrison mentions, that of being critical of my friends.  I was always grateful for their friendship and looked for the best in other people.

So, is it always bad to have toxic friends?  I would agree that friends who commit the first sin Laura mentions, who criticize you, who put you down, who don’t respect you, should be avoided.

As for the rest, I think it is a matter of preference and compatibility. 

None of us are perfect.  All of us are a mixture of some bad qualities and some good.  Different people bring out the good in us or the bad in us in different ratios.  All of us need friends. 

If someone has a few qualities you don’t like, can you ask them to change their behavior around you?  Tell them what you will not put up with, and what behavior you would prefer instead. 

So, if you have a friend who exhibits some bad qualities, while also having mostly good qualities, don’t be in a rush to dump them.  After all, you may have some less than perfect qualities yourself!

( The introductory comments which appear above are by Royane Real, who is the author of the popular book “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends”   To improve your social life, download it today at  http://www.lulu.com/real )

Feature article:

Is Your Friendship Toxic? – Five Characteristics of a Toxic Friend

Laura Garrison

Even those of us who are actively practicing the elements of maintaining a positive, peaceful, stress-free and productive life sometimes find ourselves with a friend who leaves us feeling just a bit let down after we've spent time with them. All the elements of what a friendship should be appear to be present, yet for some reason there is this persistent, nagging sense that something isn't quite right.

"Why do I always feel so deflated after she's been around?" you wonder.

You realize that you just aren't happy after seeing this friend and you thought friendship was supposed to be uplifting and fun.

You wonder if it's your fault; maybe you've done something inadvertently to upset her. You don't like the tension and she insists everything is fine.

Things still don't feel right.

Consider this: Maybe it isn't you at all. Maybe it's your friend and maybe that particular friend is toxic.

What is a Toxic Friend?

The term "toxic friend" almost seems oxymoronic in nature. Why would someone be friends with a person who is negative or difficult to be around? There are a variety of reasons, actually, and because we're acting in the name of support and friendship, we may not even be consciously aware of the signs of a friend's downbeat disposition.

There are a number of factors which may be construed as characteristics of a toxic personality. Five specific characteristics, however, come to mind as being among the more poisonous and relationship-damaging with relation to someone you may consider a friend:

1. Constant criticism.  Is your friend incessantly judging or criticizing others? While there is a distinct difference between observation and judgment in any situation, the delivery of certain opinions, especially in the form of gossip, can be quite hurtful. A friend who openly judges and criticizes others can create an enormous energetic drain for you, even if you are not the recipient at the moment. You may even be continually distracted by your concerns around what your friend may be saying about you and it is difficult to be yourself if you are always on guard.

2. Non-responsibility. While we all may defer to others for the sake of balance in a friendship, a non-toxic friend won't use deferral as a weapon and will, instead, take responsibility for deferring.

For example, you ask your friend where he wants to have lunch. He claims he doesn't care so you make the decision. You arrive at your lunch destination and he promptly becomes annoyed, edgy, and perhaps a bit confrontational because "there's nothing to eat" on the menu. "You wanted to come here so I agreed," is his argument. Left unchecked, this type of behavior can dissolve into a rather passive-aggressive stance which is definitely not a healthy part of a fully functioning friendship.

3. Breaking dates or appointments, consistently running late. These behaviors, if looked at objectively, generally represent signs of blatant disrespect. Would we tolerate these behaviors from others if we realized that a person--someone we considered to be a friend-was, in reality, being openly and intentionally disrespectful towards us?

4. Low to no energy. Do you always feel physically, psychically, or emotionally drained after spending time around a particular person? While the person may be "nice" enough, or may have similar interests, their energy level may be polluting yours. The theory of entrainment suggests that we tend to move at the same rate, pace, and energy level as those around us, whether we're in a crowd or with one other person. So, if your friend is always dragging, feeling down, is unhappy, or acting in a negative way, it is quite likely you are unconsciously mirroring these behaviors.

5. Constant chaos. Do you have a friend that seems to perpetually have a crisis that she needs your help to deal with or a string of turbulent, albeit all too similar, relationships that require your mediation or counsel? Do you feel that you repeatedly (and seemingly involuntarily) find yourself playing therapist, and worse yet, feel like you are saying the same things over and over again?

Some people seek out or create chaos in order to validate how they are feeling about their place and station in life and will engage as many others around them as possible --their audience--for advice and support. Unfortunately, these types of friends are generally dismissive of legitimate help.

In essence, a friendship can be defined as an authentic, reciprocal relationship with someone you can talk to, someone you can depend upon and someone you truly regard with affection and trust. If some of your friendships are feeling less than genuine, perhaps its time to reassess the relationship and acknowledge that you, indeed, may not be at fault.

Article source: http://www.articlebin.info  

 

---

Add this page to your favorite Social Bookmarking websites