It’s a fact.  Some of us are very self confident, and some of us are terribly lacking in confidence. 

People who grow up confident feel very sure of themselves most of the time.  They rarely fear that others will reject them, whether it’s friends or potential lovers.  People who are socially confident have no trouble joining new groups, or asking someone to go out with them for a drink, or coffee or dinner.

Confident people don’t spend a lot of time agonizing over, “What if she says no?  What if she doesn’t like me?  I’ll just die if I ask her out and she turns me down.”  People who grow up socially confident usually have lots of friends and they make new friends easily.

On the other hand, there are a lot of people who are terribly lacking in self confidence, and in social confidence.  These people are much more likely to be shy, to be lonely, and to fear rejection.  The idea of asking someone out for coffee would be almost impossible.  The fear of being possibly rejected by someone is overwhelming.

This fear and lack of confidence keeps these people lonely and isolated from others.

Is a strong fear of rejection caused by events in childhood?  Or is this fear something we are born with?  It’s probably a mixture of both. The people who strongly fear rejection may have been born with a nervous system that is highly sensitive. 

But it is also very possible that a person who has a strong fear of rejection has experienced a lot of neglect, abuse or even trauma during their upbringing.  This makes it very stressful for them to be in relationships with others where there is the slightest fear of being rejected socially.

People who grew up without feeling secure and loved, are often extremely worried about being rejected any time someone gets close to them.

What should you do if you have a fear of being rejected that is so strong it’s ruining your life?  If your case is severe, the best thing would be to get some help from a really good therapist who is wise and compassionate, and who has a good track record in dealing with this sort of problem.

You will need help in learning to talk back to your fear.  You will need help in seeing where your fear is unreasonable, where you are not seeing things as they actually are.

The part of you that fears rejection so strongly is trying to protect you from possible future hurt.  It will try to protect you from rejection so much that it will also keep you from having any relationships.  It will protect you from having friends, lovers, marriage.  Is that the kind of protection you want?

Wouldn’t it be better to learn how to overcome this fear?  Remind yourself of what the benefits would be if you could overcome your fear of being rejected. 

Picture yourself surrounded by a group of friends, having a wonderful social life.  Imagine a loving life partner. 

Wouldn’t all that be worth the effort of overcoming your rejection fears?

The above article about fear of rejection is written by friendship expert Royane Real. 

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