Intoductory comments

By Royane Real

Author of   “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends”

Do you ever have trouble making friends with other people?  If you do, you may have concluded that making friends is a very difficult and mysterious process.

On the other hand, you might be one of those people who is friendly and outgoing.  To you, making friends is the easiest thing in the world.

It’s true that there are some mysteries about making friends, just as there are mysteries and unexpected results in all human relationships.  We can’t predict everything. 

For example, you may meet a person with whom you seem to have everything in common.  Even though you use all your best conversation tricks and listening tactics, nothing seems to work.  There is no spark. 

Although the two of you might have a conversation that goes all right, neither of you seems to have any desire to develop a relationship or to see each other again.  Something seems to be missing. 

And yet, even though this relationship has no spark at the beginning it does not mean that all hope is lost.  If you see this person often enough and if you keep talking, it is possible that over a long period of time, whatever invisible barriers seem to be keeping you apart, may eventually dissolve. 

There are many cases of deep friendships and even romantic relationships that eventually developed just because the two people had to keep seeing each other and talking on many occasions, even though there was no interest in each other to begin with.

So, if you have a conversation with someone and it seems to go nowhere, don’t worry about it too much, and don’t criticize yourself for it.  It’s possible that the two of you are not really suited to become good friends.  But it’s also possible that if you keep trying in a small but persistent way, that eventually you will find more to talk about and more to admire in each other.

I have a close relative who claims to have no friends.  This is in spite of the fact that people seem to really like him, and most of his social skills are fine. 

In this case, it appears that when people want to become to close to him, he emotionally runs away.  He turns down all invitations from other people to socialize and he never initiates any conversations.  He claims that he is shy, but he also appears to have poor self esteem. 

He seems to have a self image that says he is supposed to be lonely, and he acts in a way to fulfill his self image as a lonely person.

If making friends is a problem for you, check and see what stage of the friendship making process seems to give you the most trouble. 

Is it the beginning stages where you must make some effort to talk to people you don’t know?  Or the later stages where you must respond to the efforts other people make to get closer to you?  Or do you have trouble simply knowing how to be a good, supportive friend to other people?

( The introductory comments which appear above are by Royane Real.  I’m the author of the popular book “Your Guide to Finding Friends, Making Friends and Keeping Friends”  You can learn more about how to create good friendships in my book  available at  http://www.lulu.com/real )

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Feature article:

Easy Ways To Make Friends With A Stranger 

By Peter Murphy 

Making friends with people we just met is not easy for many of us. For those of us who have difficulty making friends with strangers we often find ourselves feeling uncomfortable and uncertain about making casual conversation when we meet someone new.

Some of us think we need to say something brilliant and interesting to attract others into a friendship with us and as a result we often place unnecessary pressure on ourselves which in turn can discourage us from attempting to make new friends. Good impressions are important when meeting someone new.

The job interview is an example of the importance of making a good impression.

However, being brilliant and/or interesting can be perceived by the other as a performance, an act to impress and attract.

When we act to impress or attract, this will often be revealed in our interaction through both our verbal and body languages and can easily send the message that we are a fake.

The best impression anyone can make upon another is to be their ordinary self when attempting to make friends with a stranger.

When making conversation with a stranger for the first time it's not necessary to talk about deep or complex subjects. In fact, such talk can actually discourage the stranger from further conversation with you because they may not be able to relate to what you are saying.

Talk about simple things like the weather for example. Your immediate surroundings can also be a good conversation starter. Compliments are also an easy way to start a conversation with a stranger. Your initial conversation should be something that the stranger can easily relate and respond to.

Most strangers we first meet are most impressed by us when we demonstrate that we are interested in them. This requires one key fact that can be applied to all interactions, old and new.

The success of developing a friendship with a stranger, or with anyone for that matter, will be highly dependent on your ability to listen to that person. When you listen to the other you are showing them that you are interested in them. The ability to listen is a quality most people look for when meeting a stranger.

Once you have initiated the conversation with the stranger you can direct the conversation toward personal introductions. There are two ways to do this. One is by introducing yourself. The other, which is sometimes easiest, is to ask the name of the other.

Regardless, of which way you choose, it should be done as early possible if you wish to develop a friendship with the stranger before you two go your separate ways. If you want to be successful socially it will require you to take initiative when meeting strangers.

After initial introductions, you may want to get know the stranger a little better. A good way to this is to ask them some basic questions about themselves and offer small bits of information about yourself.

At this point you don’t want to give your life history, nor are they going to be willing to give you theirs. However, your opinion on a neutral subject or the mention of some like or dislike can move introductions toward friendship development.

To get a feel for the other and an idea about where to take the conversation, it is important to observe the other’s reactions to what you are saying. A person who is interested in what you are saying will show it and may even speak it, just as a person who is not interested.

Paying attention to verbal and non-verbal cues will help you in initiating a friendship with a stranger.

About the Author:  Peter Murphy is a peak performance expert. He recently produced a very popular free report: 10 Simple Steps to Developing Communication

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Article source: http://www.goarticles.com