By Royane Real

Author of   "Your Guide to Making Friendly Conversation "

Do you get nervous when you have to make conversation or small talk with people that you don’t know very well? 

If you frequently find it hard to make conversation with other people, chances are that while you are trying to talk with them, you are also very busy worrying what the other person is thinking about you.  Internally, your mind may be racing, and after every sentence you say, you are trying to decide if the other person approves of you or not.

The very fact that you worry about their judgment is what creates a problem with your conversation ability.

Please note that the success of your conversation does not depend on how brilliantly you speak.  What people really care about is how relaxed and friendly you are.  How nice you are.  They want to feel that you enjoy their company and that you are interested in them.

So, whenever you need to make conversation with somebody, it’s more important to learn to relax and enjoy the experience.  It’s really not very important that you have brilliant things to say.  Try to focus instead on liking the other person and getting to know them better. 

You might be saying to yourself right now, “It’s easy for you to say that I should relax when I talk to others, but how can I?  You don’t know how nervous I get when I have to talk to other people.”

Well, yes I do.  Really.  I spent much of my life being very shy and terrified to talk to others, so I really do know what it’s like to be that nervous.

And I have also spent my life trying to learn how to overcome these fears and improve my conversation skills so I could talk to others more successfully. 

That’s why I now know that when I was being nervous about other people judging me it kept me from enjoying the conversations I was having.

Yes, it turns out that it’s really true that other people judge you when you talk to them. 

But other people are not judging every single sentence that you say.  You’re the only one who is doing that, and every time you do that, you interfere with your ability to have a pleasant successful conversation.

What your conversation partners are judging you on is this:  they’re trying to decide if you’re nice or not nice, if you’re confident or too nervous, if you have any interests or values in common, whether they feel relaxed and comfortable with you, whether you seem as if you’re   truly interested in them. 

If they feel like you like them, they are more likely to decide they like you back.

So, if you want to be more successful when you talk to others, take the focus of your thinking off yourself, and put your focus firmly on getting to know the other person.  Try to learn more about how they think, how they live, what they’ve done, what’s important to them.

And stop thinking about yourself so much!

The more you practice focusing on the other person in your conversation, the less nervous you will be!

And the less nervous you feel, the more your conversations will improve.

By Royane Real

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By Royane Real

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