By Royane Real 

Author of  "Your Guide to Making Friendly Conversation"

How can you be less self conscious when you are making conversation with somebody – especially somebody you want to impress? 

When you are talking with others, you need to consciously put more of your mental focus on the other person and less on yourself.  Concentrate on looking for ways to truly like the other person and look for ways in which you find them interesting.   Don’t spend any of your mental energy worrying about what the other person thinks of you. 

Take the approach that socially successful people use, and simply tell yourself that you are a likeable person and that other people like you.  Tell yourself that many people enjoy your company.

While you are making conversation, keep looking for clues the other person will give you about what they are interested in. The things they are interested in are the things they will want to talk about. 

For most people, their favorite topic of conversation is themselves.  Find out what the other person’s interests are, what makes them unique.  Watch their facial and body expressions to see what excites them.  Then you can keep the conversation going by asking them more questions about the things that truly excite them. 

Reveal your own interests and opinions gradually to the other person if they seem to have an interest in knowing you better.  Keep your revelations about yourself related to the topic and don’t reveal too much too soon if you’re talking with someone you don’t already know.  If the other person doesn’t seem to be terribly interested in getting to know more about you, don`t force them to listen to stories they might find boring.

Compile a mental list of topics and interesting events that are in the news, so you can use them as a springboard in conversations that are starting to lose steam.  

Remember to ask questions that will require some thought on the part of the other person to answer.  Then, find a way to use what the other person tells you to generate more questions and more comments from you.

Recognize that improving your conversational and small talk skills will take time.  Take several months to keep practicing your small talk skills.  

In the beginning stages of improving your conversational ability, you should aim mostly for quantity.  That means, try to get a lot of practice talking to a lot of people.  Later on, once you become more relaxed and more experienced at talking with others, you can aim to improve the quality of your conversations. 

Taking many opportunities to make conversation will not only improve your skill at talking, it will also help you to lessen your nervousness at talking to others.

If you tell yourself that your primary goal is to improve your conversational skill, you will find that your self consciousness will gradually disappear.

After every dialogue, you can ask yourself what you did well during the discussion.  You can ask yourself what you might do differently and perhaps better, the next time you have a conversation with somebody.

After each conversation has ended, give yourself a lot of credit for trying to make conversation, no matter how the discussion went.  Be an enthusiastic cheerleader for yourself.  

With more practice, you can improve your conversation skills and reduce your self conciousness.

Above article is by conversation expert Royane Real.

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