By Royane Real  

Do you ever wish that you could be more confident about your conversations?  Many people feel nervous and shy when they have to make conversation with others, especially when they don't know the other person very well. They worry so much about what the other person might be thinking about them, that their mind goes blank. 

Then they start to criticize their conversation skill, and they become even more nervous.  They quickly lose confidence in their conversation ability.  Does this happen to you, especially when you are trying to make small talk with someone? 

Here’s the problem with criticizing your self.  Criticizing yourself will never make your conversation performance get better.  In fact, your conversation performance will get worse.   

Criticizing yourself will never make you feel more confident.  Criticizing yourself will never make you love yourself or like yourself better.  When you don’t really like yourself, you won’t really believe that anyone else could like you.

All these things will interfere with your ability to make conversation freely with other people.  If you want to improve your conversational abilities, you will first have to make a commitment to stop criticizing yourself whenever your conversational performance isn’t perfect.

What can you do to improve your conversation confidence?

One of the best ways to become more confident at making conversation is to notice what negative messages you are sending yourself about your conversation ability.

You may say negative messages to yourself that are very automatic, that start appearing in your mind as soon as you say anything that you think is less than perfect.

Notice exactly what you are saying to yourself. Only then can you fight back against your negative messages by putting new positive messages in their place.

First, tell yourself to stop thinking the negative thoughts. Give your mind a clear signal to stop. You can simply say "Stop" to yourself.

Tell yourself,  "I will no longer make such negative statements to myself. I will search for a better, more positive message to send to myself in the future."  Gently start giving positive messages to yourself.

Instead of saying, “I’m such a loser for saying something so stupid,” tell yourself, “It’s good that I had the courage to speak up.  I have to give myself a lot of credit for that.  Whether or not every person liked what I had to say, at least I put forth my own opinion.  I’m a good person and I don’t always need to be perfect in order to have my own approval.”

When you consistently retrain yourself to change your negative thoughts to positive ones, you will eventually become much more relaxed and confident when you make conversation with others.

You will be much less desperate to get approval from other people when you know that you approve of yourself.

In the future, instead of saying harsh things to yourself whenever you think you have committed some sort of conversational error, make a point of being kind to yourself.  his will give you much more freedom to speak up when you are with other people.

This article was written by conversation expert Royane Real. 

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Communication Skills for Business and Personal Success

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