The Shy Person's Guide to Conversation
By: Susie Cortright
Introductory comments by Royane Real
Author of “Your Guide to Making Friendly Conversation”
Being shy can be a complex and frustrating condition. To someone who is not shy, it is a mystery why any person would be afraid to speak up and mingle socially. To a person who makes friends easily, it is a mystery why anyone would be shy and lonely.
To a person who is not shy, it seems very easy to give the advice, “Simply ignore your shyness, and have some courage to speak to others. That’s all it takes.”
A person who is very shy will realize that trying to muster up courage isn’t really enough to overcome shyness. The shy person can try very courageously to face his fears, but courage will rarely be enough to make shyness go away. No matter how much courage the shy person tries to muster, his brain can always find a way to make talking to others seem like an overwhelming and terrifying experience.
Trying to make conversation when you feel shy can be an awkward event both for the shy person trying to talk, and for the person they are talking to.
What does help shyness? Each shy person seems to have their own patterns and types of shyness. That makes it hard to give advice and instructions that will help everybody in every situation.
Some people are much more shy than others. Many shy people are only shy in certain situations. In most cases, shyness will lessen once you become more familiar with the people you are talking with.
The following article by Susie Cortright offers some suggestions that shy people can use when they must make conversation with someone new. One of her suggestions is to use positive visualization of yourself to overcome your fear of speaking to others.
Why can such techniques as positive affirmations and visualization help? Because if you are not using positive affirmations, and positive visualizations, you are at the mercy of whatever kinds of visualizations your mind will produce on its own. Chances are that if you are shy, your mind will automatically churn out negative visualizations that will make you even more nervous.
When you have negative visualizations about your conversation skills, you may be imagining yourself the center of attention, feeling awkward and embarrassed as everyone laughs at you. Having your mind filled with negative visualizations will not improve your social performance. You need to try many different approaches to see what actually helps you and what does not.
If your shyness is not severe, you can gain confidence from simply making many, many social approaches to other people. Learn to develop some social skills, and use them often. Practice will not only improve your skill at making conversation, it will also give you increased confidence in yourself.
Once you realize that you have improved your conversational skills to the point that you can keep a conversation going with almost anyone, you will be very proud of yourself.
If you have very serious problems with being shy, there are some forms of psychological therapy that can be helpful.
There are many more articles available on this website that can help you improve your conversations and your social performance whether you suffer from shyness or not. Be sure to check them out.
( The above introductory comments were written by conversation expert Royane Real )
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The Shy Person's Guide to Conversation
By: Susie Cortright
Everyone feels shy from time to time. Here are twelve tips to help you keep conversation flowing.
1. Before the event, visualize yourself as someone who has an easy time making friends and mingling between different groups and whom everyone likes to talk to. It may feel funny at first, but visualizing a positive outcome and repeating self-affirming statements can help in surprising ways. Try affirming, “I am comfortable in social situations. I always know what to say. I am a great friend. People like to talk with me, and I like to talk with them.”
When you act as though you are confident, you’ll feel more confident.
2. Take the pressure off yourself. Keep in mind that you don’t need to impress or even to entertain during a conversation. You just need to show your genuine interest in others. When you focus your attention on someone else, you are making that person feel important and accepted, and that can go a long ways in making everyone feel more relaxed and comfortable.
3. Make the other personal feel important. When you don’t know what to say, shift your focus away from yourself. Try to think less about what you are nervous about, and focus on what you could say to your conversational partner that would bring a little light into their day. Good friends are thoughtful, caring, and supportive. What could you say to show your thoughtfulness and support for the other person?
4. Smile. Sometimes, we make conversation harder than it needs to be. All you need to do to get started is offer a sincere smile and a willingness to listen.
5. Say hello first instead of waiting for someone to say hello and invite you into a conversation. If you start the conversation, you can steer it in the way you like. One way to do this is by offering a sincere compliment to someone. Comment on something they are wearing and then ask a related question. Or simply say, “What do you like to do just for fun?” People love to talk about their hobbies.
6. Actively listen. So many times we are paralyzed with the idea that we need to have something pithy or clever to say when the other person would be more than happy to keep right on talking. Just knowing that can take a lot of pressure off the listener.
7. Ask questions. A conversation is a balance between speaking and listening, but you can take a bit of time to warm into each conversation if you need to. Once you have gotten to know the other person a bit better, you might find that you feel more comfortable sharing ideas and stories of your own.
If you aren’t ready to contribute to the conversation yet, prompt the other person to continue talking. If you’ve been actively listening (and not using all of their speaking time to try to think of something to say) you’ll have a few points that you can ask open-ended questions about or comment on yourself.
8. Comment on the surroundings. Talk about the food. Not just “Yummy dip!” but something more open-ended, such as: “There is such a unique flavor or spice in this that I can’t quite put my finger on. What do you think it is?” You can also start conversations based on decorative items in the room.
9. Be prepared for awkward pauses. We’ve all had conversations that started with a bang and then quickly hit a lull, where no one was sure what to say next. At this point, you can either excuse yourself or start a conversation on a new topic. The trick is to be prepared for conversational lulls such as these so you can avoid feeling nervous and awkward.
Be prepared with a couple of observations about the room, followed by a question. Or you might say something like, “Where are you from originally?” Or you can go back to another part of the conversation. For example, “Earlier, you said….” Or, “ I’m curious to know more about…….”
10. It’s okay to admit you’re feeling shy. One icebreaker is to say something like: “When I’m in situations like this, I sometimes feel a little shy at first.”
If people know that you are feeling this way they will appreciate your candor and they will understand that, if you are quiet or unsure of what to say, you’re not uninterested in what they have to say, you are simply feeling shy.
11. Imagine being with someone you feel comfortable with. During the event, think about the way you behave when you are with someone you feel totally comfortable with. How you would you behave if you were with just them? Now take that feeling of comfort and security into your present situation.
12. Realize that it’s okay to not get along with everyone. As you continue in your conversations, you will, of course, find people with whom you don’t enjoy speaking and people who you feel don’t especially like speaking with you.
This is not a personal reflection on you. It’s just a fact of life. We all prefer some personality types over others, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re not likable. Be open to talking with everyone, and gravitate toward those who make you feel comfortable and who facilitate your communication. And definitely don’t take rejection personally if some in the room don’t talk a lot. Who knows? They might be shy, too.
The biggest key is to relax. When you feel comfortable, so will those with whom you are speaking. Keep in mind that conversational skills get better with practice, so anytime you can step out of your comfort zone and converse with new and interesting people, you’ve developed your conversational muscles, and that means that conversations at the next event you attend will be even easier.
About the author: Susie Cortright is the founder of Momscape.com and Susies-Coupons.com, where she hand picks the best online coupons and products, including coupons at her favorite online discount stores.
Article source: http://www.many-articles.com
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