By Royane Real  

Author of “Your Guide to Making Friendly Conversation

Many people feel nervous and shy when they have to make conversation with others, especially with people they don’t know very well. Does this happen to you, especially when you are trying to make small talk with someone?

Here’s the problem with criticizing yourself.  It never makes your performance get better.  In fact, your performance will get worse.   

Criticizing yourself will never make you feel more confident.  Criticizing yourself will never make you love yourself or like yourself better.  When you don’t really like yourself, you won’t really believe that anyone else could like you.

All these things will interfere with your ability to make conversation freely with other people.  If you want to improve your conversational abilities, you will first have to make a commitment to stop criticizing yourself whenever your conversational performance isn’t perfect.

Once you start to criticize yourself in your mind, your ability to make conversation successfully will go down hill very quickly.

What can you do to improve your conversation confidence?

One of the best ways to become more confident at making conversation is to notice what negative messages you are sending yourself about your conversation ability.

You may say negative messages to yourself that are very automatic, that start appearing in your mind as soon as you say anything that you think is less than perfect.

Notice exactly what you are saying to yourself. Only then can you fight back against your negative messages by putting new positive messages in their place.

First, tell yourself to stop thinking the negative thoughts. Give your mind a clear signal to stop. You can simply say "Stop" to yourself. Say to yourself, "I will no longer make such negative statements to myself. I will search for a better, more positive message to send to myself in the future."

When you consistently retrain yourself to change your negative thoughts about the way you perform when you are talking with others with positive thoughts, you will become much more relaxed and confident when you make conversation with others.

You will be much less desperate to get approval from other people when you know that you approve of yourself.

Instead of saying, “I’m such a loser for saying something so stupid,” tell yourself, “It’s good that I had the courage to speak up.  I have to give myself a lot of credit for that.  Whether or not every person liked what I had to say, at least I put forth my own opinion.  I’m a good person and I don’t always need to be perfect in order to have my own approval.”

In the future, instead of saying harsh things to yourself whenever you think you have committed some sort of conversational error, make a point of being kind to yourself instead.  This will give you much more freedom to speak up when you are with other people.

This article was written by conversation expert Royane Real. 

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